endangereduglythings: obsessionality: grimm-fairy: fir-trees-unite: breelandwalker: eeyore9990: invaderdrey: catbountry: fallenwithstyle: murkymuse: paksenarrion-reader: kawaguardian: kryallaorchid: miracufic: pokemonsunburn: petermorwood: lyricwritesprose: majingojira: ohgodhesloose: morebadbookcovers: myurbandream: jabberwockypie: skeletonmug: artiestroke: splintercellconviction: giraffepoliceforce: I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife. They were expecting… Continue reading
My coworker sent me this insane Gwyneth Paltrow jewelry ad this morning and it FUCKING H A U N T S me. SPOILERS, but I have so many questions. Is the husband just in space or is he dead? I mean, he’s dead. If you took away that jaunty French music it would be obvious that he is definitely super dead. How many of those CASSETTES are there? Putting aside how spooky it is, just visually (Does Alice ever have people over? Do they just pretend to ignore that she has this CRAZY PERSON BOOKSHELF full of HAND-LABELED CASSETTE TAPES like some Martha’s-Vineyard Fox Mulder??), that must have taken literal days of his life. Locked in the bathroom for an entire week like “DON’T COME IN HERE, ALICE, I’M BUSY.” How long ago did he go to space if CASSETTE TAPES were considered an acceptable way to record audio when he went up? He has been in space for 20 years. He is dead. What is Alice’s life now? She just wanders around her giant, spotless 900 million dollar house, imprisoned by her own privilege and the ghost of her former life. Drawing the same three drawings over and over like the kid from “The Ring.” Drinking juice from a carafe with an EMPTY GLASS on the other side of the table, presumably so she can imagine her dead space husband is there. “Drink up, darling,” Alice says lovingly, reaching into the empty air to cup an imaginary bristled cheek. “You haven’t touched this delicious guava-lavender balancing tea I brewed for you, and you must get your vitamins before you go to space.” Also, she has a picture of HERSELF next to her picture OF HIM, instead of a picture OF THEM, together, which makes me wonder: is Gwyneth Paltrow’s character “Alice” at all?? Is this like that astronaut love triangle where the one astronaut attacked the other one???? Did Gwyneth murder Alice while her husband was in space, and now she pretends to live Alice’s life???? “Alice has been such a recluse since Roderick went to space in 1996,” Alice’s friends say, not realizing that Alice has been mummifying in the charming 18th century icebox in the servants’ kitchen since 1996 and Gwyneth is the new Alice. “We’re so happy together, aren’t we, Roderick,” Gwyneth croons to her tape player, wrapping her arms around her own torso, swaying dreamily before the full length mirror, wearing nothing but Alice’s special 20-year-old surprise necklace and a wig made of of Alice’s hair. I love this commercial so much.
Those cassettes are all 90-minuters. Why would you buy 90-minuters? Except that… well, that tape clicked stopped. Did he record literally 45 minutes of audio (assuming it only played one side, which we cannot necessarily do as the cassette label has been stuck on upside-down, so gives the appearance of it being at the start of side A here) onto every single one of those? I mean, THE TAPE RAN OUT BEFORE HE FINISHED TALKING!
Also, this is the cassette she puts into the box. It is clearly largely white, but for that narrow black band. But the cassette she takes out of the cassette player?
It is nearly all black. And actually a 60-minuter (with that label stuck on upside-down [that’s so Roderick]). Maybe its quantum fluctuation between 60 and 90 minute states is the reason why he was caught out by its abrupt ending? Maybe our fastidious Roderick carefully stuck mismatching labels upside-down on all of his cassettes of indeterminable length, every inch of tape filled with his sweet nothings, before carefully arranging them on the shelves so as to place the September 2016 cassettes to the left of the February 2016 cassettes?
So, what event are we celebrating here that warrants a special dress? A birthday? Well, no… because Alice is a Pisces (or, if we are to trust that all star signs occur in the same four-week period as per the horoscopes page, then it completely rules out the possibility of it being anybody’s birthday).
An anniversary, then? But… then where is the wedding ring?
WHERE IS THE WEDDING RING?
Oh, wait… There it is. I guess Alice likes to move it freely about her left hand.
All this, or we have found two or three continuity errors in one three-second shot in a sub two-minute film.
Ok there’s 34 tapes per shelf and at least eight shelves of tapes – he clearly records until the time runs out, which means at least 408 hours of recording – that’s SEVENTEEN SOLID DAYS.
Why is he recording these tapes? Why isn’t he skyping her like actual 2016 astronauts do??
Why is the necklace on the bottom shelf of a very high-up set of shelves when he clearly says it should be on the top shelf??
Is there a timeskip between the final ‘good morning Alice’ and the ‘wearing that dress‘ line or are those the clothes she sleeps in?
“”EXPECTO PATRONUM!” Harry yelled. Nothing happened. Harry gripped his dick tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, whispy white substance protruded from the end of it.”
“Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his dick hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.”
“He had not been this close to Malfoy since he had watched him muttering to Crabbe and Goyle during Dumbledore’s speech about Cedric. He could feel a kind of ringing in his ears. His hand gripped his dick under his robes”
“My dick.” Said Ron. “Look at my dick.” It had snapped, almost in two, and the tip was dangling limply, held on by only a few spare splinters.
I’ve got this…
“Twelve and a quarter inches…pleasantly springy. It’s in fine condition…You treat it regularly?“
“Polished it last night,” said Cedric, grinning.
Harry looked down at his own dick. He could see finger marks all over it.
He gathered a fistful of robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it.
Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronizing look, and he desisted.
“No volunteers?” said Voldemort. “Let’s see…Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a dick anymore.”
Lucius Malfoy look up. His skin appeared yellowish and waxy in the firelight, and his eyes were sunken and shadowed. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse.
gutterowl: roachpatrol: gutterowl: roachpatrol: gutterowl: roachpatrol: manyblinkinglights: glimmerbulb: manyblinkinglights: curlicuecal: roachpatrol: manyblinkinglights: id wreak mayhem for a really good scifi where sight was considered as exotic and numinous as telepathy by the protag species #everybody else uses sonar or long whiskers and that thing with the sensing electrical impulses#meanwhile: humans can ‘see’ which is a… Continue reading
Monsters' Queen 